Friday, October 01, 2004


Surrounding the Creditoris Squaliformes in the economic ocean are the remora, or the family echeneidae. Sometimes known as suckerfish.

They survive by attaching themselves to various sharks and living off the scraps. They aren't equipped to hunt down and kill their own food. They just hang along for the ride and pick up what's left after the kill. Without the squaliformes, they wouldn't live long.

Some of these are more visible than others.

What's left over in the process of being victimized by the predators is usually a car or a house. With a vehicle the echeneidae reposessus either need a willing accomplice and/or or a tow-truck to recover it from the former owner and then a secure place to stash it. With a house it's a bit more complicated but the end result is a removal of a person or family and a for-sale sign via the echeneidae preservatae evictus, the so-called property preservation specialists.

But there are other remora that would be severely diminished in numbers if the ranks of their host squaliformes were thinned significantly.

First in sheer numbers are bankruptcy attorneys (echeneidae chapternumeris), followed by the alleged "law firms" that specialize in collections and foreclosures (echeneidae threatenscamis and echeneidae stealyourhouses, repectively).
[(Note from the Clerk of the Court: His Honor does not recognize collections or foreclosure attorneys as having standing in his Court, hence the use of the term "alleged" in referring to such "law firms.")]

So many bankruptcies are filed in order to somehow slow down foreclosures that you start seeing the same pairings of echeneidae over and over, going through the process and knowing they're part of a giant perpetual motion machine the squaliformes started. These lawyers seem to realize they probably wouldn't exist in as great a number without each other so they are content to share in the spoils without doing each other any real harm.

The next largest echeneidae group fall into the "make a fortune in [ fill in the blank ]" promoter crowd known as echeneidae opportunis who just can't seem to run out of idiots to fill seats in their seminars and sell books and tapes to. Some of these con men make enough money to run television ads at all hours of the day and night, luring wannabes into coughing up hundreds of dollars to learn the secrets of being a successful echeneidae in real estate or "cash flow." Most of these fools who spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars end up looking for the next get-rich-quick guru or scheme when they find there are already plenty of echeneidae already attached to their squaliformes friends.

Similar to the "get rich in foreclosed properties" crowd are their distant cousins, the echeneidae saveyourhomis, or more commonly referred to as "loss mitigation" or "foreclosure prevention" specialists. This rapidly growing sub-species has attracted the same business model as the opportunis but feeds directly off the victim prior to the actual foreclosure by implying they can intervene to somehow keep the squaliformes from finishing the job. They have a disturbingly dangerous family member, one with a long pedigree of fraud drawn from arcane legal machinations: Echeneidae debtus eliminatis secretis that would have victims believe they can "eradicate your debt" (for a price, of course).

Another often unrecognized echeneidae that would be impacted are the companies that have sprung up to provide foreclosure data on the Internet. The battle for data supremacy rages in order to get the echeneidae and wannabes signed up to learn how to fight over the deals that they think are going to make them rich (just like they learned in the seminars).

Echeneidae is not an endangered species, so if and when they appear in this Court, they are likely to end up in the swill the Clerks put out for the pigs out back. (The horses won't go near the stuff.)

The Honorable Judge Roy Bean.

[(Note from the Clerk of the Court: His Honor does not intend to demean the pigs.)]

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